Poison Kat Cookies

Last Apology Letter

My goodnight messages keep getting shorter
You are so oblivious that I cannot bring it up

My chest feels heavy thinking of how—
You dispelled the loneliness in my heart

And now, I can afford happiness without depending on you

I am thinking of ending us
For the last time, show me your kindness
I hope to find it in your heart to forgive me

For my selfish departure, to spend this accumulated happiness
Somewhere you are not included

Putting a stop to this
I want to end us

And I don't want to waste your youth
Don't want to prolong your happiness—
As a result of my false affection, I show you

My deeply concealed loss of love for you
Forgive me for my treacherous deed

I plan to push that piece of domino
At a time you will not be entirely crushed underneath

Even if I am leaving, know that at some point
My feelings were madly real and I badly wanted to stay

But not anymore

For the sake of old times
I will cautiously take a step back
One after the other
I slowly slip away from your grasp

For the following years, I will spend this happiness wisely

To commemorate your contribution to fixing up my broken pieces
I will honour your love and sacrifices for the rest of my life

And I will forever hate myself for being the traitor that I am to you

In This World

I am wearing shoes too large for me

Cautiously walking step by step

Trying not to stumble on my feet

My shoulders hurt as if I am carrying a bookbag

Last time I checked, I am done with school

Why hasn't the weight on my back eased up?

I feel like throwing up

Empty my stomach, get rid of the butterflies

I feel like passing out

Find refuge in my dreams, never get up

I am a child masquerading as a grown-up

Few more days, they will find out

They might single me out

The world is big and I have poor eyesight

I am staring at the vast blue sky

From my lowly position on the ground

Blurred twinkling stars and out of my reach

I am wearing a skirt too long for me

Soaked in mudwater, stained at the ends

Afraid I might fall out of grace and lose face

I can never run with my all

I just stay still and look around in panic

Hoping someone will stop by and help me

I feel like I do not belong

Here and now, I want to escape and build my own world.

The Outline of our Fate

I say, against everyone's objection

These legs will continue kneeling in worship

As proof of my devotion to you

It may be all against the odds

I shouldn't be treating you like a god

But how will the heart know its bottom line?

Is the uncertainty truly worth it

Or will I regret following you around?

My youth is yours, in your hands to exploit

My prayers are blasphemy

To the ears of your non-believers

I pity those ignorant

They will never know how helpless I was

From the undercurrent pulling me down

To struggle my way up above the water

To catch a single breath and then struggle again

They will never know how hard it was

I have long been blinded

I have long been deaf

I long for the destruction you will cause

I will keep singing praises to your divinity

Until you wish for my disappearance

I will be your follower

In the service of my undying passion for you

He likes seeing my tears streaming down my cheeks
I bet it brought him that different kind of kick
Proudly claims he loves my smile, however
He is just a pleaser in everyone’s eyes
My smile was his validation, trophy for the winner

Stolen photo of mine in his empty wallet

He would never let himself love someone

More than he loved to invalidate my protests

Every night he would start a fight to spite me

He would push his way into my mind

Never thought it was a happy surprise

I keep thinking if chasing me around was fun

And settling down should be a punishment for a woman

The set of rules might as well burn me at the stake

Guilty of disapproving our love story called chase

I wonder if my smile exists not just to make you gloat

Is my presence by your side a stroke to your ego?

Is my happiness truly mine and not in your control?

What a shame, we dragged the years to prove a point

Our love showed the way to a pitiful course

Even on the sidewalk, you take the time to slowly walk

How come in hurting me, you do it in haste

Hesitance was not even painted on your face

Please step aside so that I can breathe

But I know you won't let me

It's not a compliment, you are so domineering

Leaving This Palace Behind

The shackles called attachment, a young woman wept

Chained to a blooming peach blossom tree

Winter in the palace is famine for the lovesick

A lover full of vigour long before

No longer walking on the same road

Seems to never again call, this ghost

Willingly, she lifted a rock just to smash her own foot

Pitifully clinging to the roots of memories as they

Go on separate ways and drift away

Been drinking wine for so many years

She sat under the tree, drunkenly longing

It has been a rough lifetime, yet one couldn't turn back

She thought no one except her was sober

On the auspicious date of separation

One must put down the wine cup

Long white silk to conclude this illusion later

For his heart has many occupants

She must stay awake, as he strolls on his way out

The six palaces in her hands, she dare not want

Unwillingly, this ghost mindlessly

Stares at the disappearing yellow dragon robe

Displeasing as it is a slippery slope

A thorn in her throat, she hoped

That she didn't get drunk with the man

Pouring her wine with gentle eyes

She fell asleep and he never stayed the night

How does one part with her own heart?

It is really the darkest when the dawn is about to break

In the morning when she woke

The bitter taste of heartbreak was apparent in the tea

Starving for home and yearning for relief

The body is intact but the soul has come adrift

My Lover Is A Pet Owner

A person in love is a pet

Gullible to its master

Will wag its tail in satisfaction

You say 'sit', I’ll obey

Submissive by choice

Will kneel by your order, so

Excuse the abandonment and infidelities

I wasn’t given a right to be respected

Loyalty is in danger

By men’s exploitation

I wish that these puppy eyes

Will work again for another time

I’ll eagerly eat the same food

The lies you feed me every day

Because I don’t know my worth

I have nowhere to go

Only to you

I’ll turn a blind eye to your imperfections

Admire your cunningness, and

The audacity to take me for granted

You are like a child wanting a pet

And when the interest is gone

You’ll get another one

To spice things up

Aloe Vera for that Burnt Love

We were in each other's flames

And burned out

We believed no one is leaving us

Never not I knew, a thing or two

About leaving you

The lack of noise followed me around

I tried to seek the light of your smile

The high, and enlightenment it gives

But I was already out of reach

Never not I knew, you weren't the one

I tried to reason my way out

To avoid harming your heart

We hoped no one is giving up

But ashes were in your stead

I was the first to step back

Apologies for ruining us

Time

Have you ever felt like the bathroom is your only safe haven?

For silence is all I wish since space I cannot crave

Same empty eyes looking for a place of comfortable stay

It has been a year of repetitive routines in the morning, noon, and night

I didn't know being hopeful will only get you tearful

Time is against us, am I wrong to leave you and my baggage behind?

Out of my sight and slowly slipping out of my mind

Too heavy to carry around, too tiring to keep the pace up

The walls of the bath are a convenient shoulder to cry on

A wonderful distraction of a running shower, splattering water

'Till then while I wait, I remain alone with mountain of thoughts

Look for me like stick in hay, you are running out of days

Before entering the long tunnel ahead of you, can you find me though?

The Holes Of My Sweater

I am crumbling scratch papers

And wiping my snot with my pink sweater

Staring sadly at my failed goals

From the table of constraints, there is a–

Family photo I want to distance myself from

Apologies to my sweetest lover, even if

I were there with you under the sheets

This will never give you the heat

I feel the chills in my fingertips

As I hold the coveted control in my hand

In the mirror, I see sanity in my tired eyes

I tried to hold back the manic laughter

Seems like a whole new change

The scratches on my throat

I did it in frustration, desperate–

To make an escape for I can’t breathe

Addiction of mine is making a comeback

Another episode of self-destruction

Fungible

Here is to more wishes he was here

To remove the guilt of him fleeing

He did not take with him

He should return my receipt–

But for what more use does it have

My being is not wholly mine

Just cold rotten milk waiting

Seal is broken, I cannot turn back

I believe by only his hands

To pick me right back up

Because I was not replaceable

Until he put my value down

By him, I want to be disposed of

Contemplating–

To force me out of his shelf

Welcome, temporary bliss

He only knows me if he wants a tease

Someone to simmer down the craving he feels

Escape Me, City

I am a dead vessel travelling alone in a city

An image of regret, and resentment, there are–

Street lights illuminating in my bloodshot eyes

Down to my lips, to my tear-streaked cheeks

Feels like a movie to reminisce under street lights

How ironic it is to feel blue under my own stars

Cold night and gazes isolate my reality, yet

Heat from the city itself is a comforting embrace

The wind in the bridge whistles silent pleads

It makes me want to jump and be left to drown

I want to watch the moonlight from the under

Let the water envelop me with nothingness

I know someone from here. Worthless but satisfying

A local who took the opportunity to bruise my lips

While my eyes were closed, and consent were loose

Thorns and grief rapidly grew on the cracks of the asphalt in my heart

Where that particular someone could fit right into

Wild grasses and dreams thrived scattered all over the deserted space

And here I am, barely fighting for a place to fill

I took a pill to calm my palpitating heart and feelings

Lean myself back on the clouds, and so did my inklings

Which are pointless

Just as my purpose of life, I am the–

Melancholic affection that seems like it’s everywhere in the city

But every time I try to confront it myself, it fades away

I know it lingers, in deep dark alleys of my mind

Where trash and I can be thrown away carelessly

The feeling may never go away